He's Blind. I Married Him Anyway.

The world is full of perfectly lovely, well-intentioned, but in some ways, clueless people.  Admit it.  There are people in your life who, as much as you care for them and they you, could use a little "disability awareness" training.  There are also people who are ignorant.  And there are those who are just plain mean. I won't make the claim that I've "seen it all", but as a former guide dog instructor / manager of admissions at a highly regarded guide dog school, I've seen and heard plenty.  As have you I'm sure.

A few years ago I was asked, as a member of a local women's group, to be on the nominating committee for the next year's "officers".  I was the youngest person in the room.  I was, I'm pretty sure, one of the two youngest women in the entire club.  I'm talking decades here.   I assure you the other women in the room did not attend school in an age when children with disabilities were "mainstreamed" into public schools.  Nor had they ever given much thought, I'm sure, to the concept that they themselves might only be temporarily "abled".  Time was no longer on their side..

Before the meeting started, I was enjoying small talk with one perfectly lovely woman; I'll call her "Alice".  Alice eventually revealed that she had heard from "Betty" that my husband was blind.  Really? Can he see anything?  Does he work?  Well how does he get to work?  Really?  How did he go blind?  Really?  Was he blind when you married him? OH REALLY!!

Well it just so happens that my husband is, among other things, a talented writer and I'll take any opportunity I can to plug his book "Planet of the Blind" (including this one!).  So I gave Alice the particulars and suggested she ought to read it.  "Oh isn't that nice.  Oh I will read it!  Thank you for telling me about it...."  And then, just as we were being interrupted by the announcement that the meeting was coming to order she said, almost under her breath, "So.  He's blind and you married him anyway...."  *Smile*  Alice fell into the "perfectly lovely, well-intentioned, but in some ways, clueless people" category.  She didn't mean to sound insensitive.  I know she didn't.  She's far too nice.

Is that what people think?  Was this sweet little grey-haired old lady just voicing what everyone else thinks?  Oh if they only knew.  To quote Ralph James Savarese in his soon to be released book: Reasonable People: a Memoir of Autism and Adoption, she "underestimated what a relationship is, conceiving of disability only as deficits."

You see, I was married once before.  I call my ex my "insignificant other".  My insignificant other could see just fine.  He could mow the lawn in straight lines.  He could drive to the corner store for milk.  He could change the oil in the car and make sure the tires were inflated properly.  And I'll say it here and now, he was the neatest roommate I've ever had.  On Saturday mornings we'd do housework together.  Let me tell you, he was meticulous.  Not a crumb could you find in the kitchen.  Not a Labrador hairball could you find on the floor when he was done.  Oh he was fine in that regard!  Oh, but if only he could have been a friend.  If only he could have been loyal.

Several years later I met Steve.  My two young children didn't seem to notice he was blind.  My parents met him, liked him immediately, and didn't care. Neither did my friends.  Most of them had been guide dog trainers too.  We had a small wedding ceremony in Jamaica.  We call it our "family-moon" because my children and all four of our parents spent most of the week there with us.

So here we are ten years later.  Steve can mow the lawn, but I prefer it when he doesn't.  I like a lawn to look mowed when it's done.  I'm fussy that way.  Steve can go to the corner store for milk - he walks.  It's too close to drive anyway.  I should walk there with him.  It's true, he is not the neatest *roommate* I have ever had.  He fails to see the crumbs on the kitchen counter and yes, what we three dogs, more often than not there are Labrador hair tumbleweeds everywhere, even after he vacuums.  I am fussy.  But that is my problem, not the fact that my husband can't see.  I mow the lawn now, but in exchange for taking on that chore, I've got a true friend.  I've traded crumbs on the kitchen counter for loyalty.  I've left the life of a single Mom behind for a life of adventure with a man who's taken me to San Fransisco, Jamaica, London, Helsinki, Milan, Venice, Hawaii...

As for Steve, he traded his days as a bachelor for life with a fusspot and her two teenagers.  Can you imagine?  A fusspot and not one, but two teenagers!

Yes, Steve is blind.  And borrowing these words from Jane Eyre: "Reader, I married him." 

Comments

[blue girl]

What a sweet post, Connie. You're a very lucky lady. And *not* just because you've gotten to go to San Fransisco, Jamaica, London, Helsinki, Milan, Venice and Hawaii. Well, you're very lucky because of that, too.

You're lucky because you sound so happy. And Steve sounds like a great guy. So wonderful.

p.s. How was Venice? Milan? Have you written about any of your trips? Would love to hear about them!

:)

[Janet Gayes]

Love your post!

And, a great counterweight to those (who shall remain nameless in the current public "controversy") who see people as merely a compilation of bodily functions.
Janet

[Georgia Whitney]

Oh, Connie, people's ignorance/insensitivity never fails to amaze and sadden me. I got it -- and still do -- when I was married to a black Jamaican man back in the '70s.

Getting disowned by my family was just the beginning. Just one example: I can't tell you how many times people have asked me if my daughter is adopted. My answer is short, sweet and to the point: no. That usually shuts 'em up.

Oh, and by the way, for those of you bloggers who haven't met him, not only is Steve a wonderful writer and a spectacular human being, he's also cute as a bug's ear.

Tom, who has perfectly good eyesight, does the vacuuming in our house, and goes after dog hair with a vengeance. I gotta tell you, I think the dogs conspire to shed right after you vacuum.

[sari]

Hi,

I'm a friend of Dixie Peach, I jumped here from your comment on her blog.

It sounds like you have a terrific family in every way.

I'll be back to visit more soon.

[Connie]

Hi Sari,

Indeed I do have a terrific family. Thank you. And welcome to the Planet of the Blind!

[Claire]

This is such a wonderful post!

[kathypodgers]

What a great story. I married before my disability, and now he had fled. I have a wonderful service dog, and often hear unsetteling remarks. Two of my favorites are, when asked why the dog is there and I answer because she is my service animal, "Whay, are you blind??" (obviously not) and, "Oh, you train guide dogs??" (only my own!!)

I try to be as nice as possible to dispell their confusion.

[Arabella Briones]

Hi! I'm Arra from the Philippines. I am in love with a blind and it's hard for me to explain to my parents why I really love this person. My boyfriend is blind since birth. He is now studying Music major in one university here in the Philippines. Right now, I am having a problem with our relationship. I had told my parents before about our relationship but they got mad at me; my father got sick of thinking about me. And that gave me reason to told them that we are no longer having the relationship work (because my family really doesn't want that kind of relationship). And one of my problem was his family. I cannot feel that I am very welcome to them. What should I do? Do I have to continue this? I know that in the future that I will be the one to raise my family financially. i don't want to live like that. I know it's very hard for me to do it alone. What should I do? I really need moral support from his family.
Thanks,
Arra

[Frogger]

This is a great post. I'm curious though: Did you ever ask your husband some of Alice's questions when you met him? Were you curious? Did he volunteer some of this information? I am really interested in hearing your response. My thinking is, not that you contradict it in your post, that the able-bodied have very little exposure to the disabled. As a result they don't know things that maybe they should, and they are naturally curious. Someone has to teach them. Maybe your husband's book is a start. I'll go check it out at the library.

[blue girl]

Frogger, go get the book now! I just read it and it's *so great!*

Connie, I just re-read this post of yours. I love that you called yourself a "Fusspot."

Cute word!

:)

[Connie]

TO Frogger:

Thanks for writing...I'll try to answer your questions: I managed the Admissions Office when Steve applied to the guide dog training school for admission. I knew of him from his application. Steve and I then got to know each other over time and he volunteered info to "fill in the gaps".

Had that not been the case, however, I would have held back asking him specific questions about his disability. To me, it's no different than saying to someone "how is it you put on so much weight? Is it a glandular problem or do you just eat a lot?"

Nor would I ask someone: "Wow you've got a lot of gray hair...have you thought about coloring it?"

That's why I started my post saying "The world is full of perfectly lovely, well-intentioned, but in some ways, clueless people. "

If I'm lucky and live long enough, I'll go through menopause. Right now I know very little about it. I am curious; I need & want to learn about it, but I'll do some reading. I won't sit down with a stranger and ask about her hot flashes.

I hope you do read Steve's books. I think you'll find "Planet of the Blind" to be especially helpful if you want to learn more about living with a disability. I sure learned a lot.

I'll be curious as to what you think.

[Connie]

Hi blue girl,

Thanks for the comments lately. Steve's written a post about Chautauqua and I plan to post it soon. We loved it by the way...met Georgia too, although our meeting was much too short.

Re: the word "fusspot" - you've reminded me that I sound just like my mother!

[blue girl]

Hi Connie,

RE your comment to Frogger...The Skimmer always says:

"No one ever thinks TWICE about saying to me, 'Wow, you've really lost a lot of hair! When did you go bald?!'"

Of course, I tease him relentlessly. He gets no peace.

Poor thing.

(Not. Hee-hee)

Your answer to Frogger was great. I'm always so worried about saying the wrong thing without meaning to. Except to The Skimmer.

:)

...Bet his ears are burning right now.

[Frogger]

Dear Connie,
Thank you for your response. It is very illuminating to think that people may be sensitive about a disability they same way they might be about gray hair. Great analogy. Maybe it bothers them, maybe it doesn't but to be polite let them bring it up in conversation. I get that.

However, part of me thinks that people with disabilities have made peace with who they are (In the way that an elderly person is fine with having gray hair!) and that its the rest of the world who has the problem. Why then would they be sensitive about something that is such a big part of who they are?

To answer my own question, I might say:
1 The world makes any disability a challenge to live with and even though some meet the challenge better than others, the world has most likely not accepted them with open arms, and there are some delicate feelings around the issue which shouldn't be brought up in light conversation.
2 It is a pretty tall order to just "make peace" with a part of you that has probably been the source of pain, difficulty, and limitation.

Am I on the right track? I'm really interested in understanding the insights that you've gained from your experience. Thanks

[Allison]

Thank you...

I too have exchanged crumbs on the counter, for a best friend. I married my husband Chris last January and he too is blind. Blind... and my best friend. I always told him years before i got intimate with him " although you may be blind, you see more clearly than someone who has 20/20 vision because you see (hear) with your heart!! "God is going to use you mightily. I had no idea he would come come into my life years later and work with me in a ministry for people who are deeply hurting and become my husband. He now is pursuing his social work degree and getting straight A's. It was a pleasure to hear your story. If you ever want to share more my email address is Eaglewings7@optonline.net.